I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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