Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
