Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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