There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
