When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
if only i could text you this smell
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
