Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
