seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
