and you said cock pushups were impossible
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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