I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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