Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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