dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm getting married
To pizza
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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