I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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