Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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