what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
sarcasm needs its own font
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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