it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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