Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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