My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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