Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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