im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
