i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
