I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
