I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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