smell my finger.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
