im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
