Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
