Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
