What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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