my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
