so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
