i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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