He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
