Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
