can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
