Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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