I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
