new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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