Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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