I'm so fucking centered right now
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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