You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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