Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
