They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
