Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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