she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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