It's like God shit irony all over that family
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
