i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
