Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
