You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
