I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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