well you can't waste a boner
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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