i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
