Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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