Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
